The interlocutor, who expresses hostility indirectly – an ulcer, shows stubbornness and other types of indirect aggression – often seems confident and invulnerable to us. But this is a look outside, and what he feels inside? And what if we ourselves sometimes visit such?
Some situations cause us a smile, others make us feel shame, anger, jealousy. It is easier to get away with pleasant emotions, and with the rest it is often not entirely clear what to do.
Everyone copes as much as he can: closes in himself, gives free rein to experiences or tries to answer with sarcasm, a stinging joke, hiding vulnerability, confusion and pain. The latter allows you to express difficult feelings not directly, but in stealth, so that in which case you can make an innocent face: “And what did I say?”Or” Yes, I’m loving “.
In the phrase itself “passive aggression” is duality. Aggression involves activity directed outside, but the adjective “passive” says the opposite: I do not take any action.
Choosing passive aggression, I want at the same time, and I do not want to know about my irritation. I want to react, but I do not do it. Often, only the intonation of the speaker gives aggression.
So, for example, a harmless phrase: “Great sweater!”, Uttered with mockery, can leave an unpleasant display. We feel that the speaker implies some kind of subtext, but does not express it directly. We are unarmed and lost in conjectures what his replica means.
Storm inside
Aggression is unlikely to arise when we are good, calm, and the surrounding environment is predictable and safe. But if we feel a threat, then there is a need to defend what is valuable for us.
A person choosing passive aggression experiences discomfort, but cannot directly express or respond to it. The difficulty is that the cause of discomfort is not always clear to us ourselves.
For example, passive aggression may accompany envy. This is a complex experience that it is not customary to talk about, and it is even more difficult to express it than telling about your dissatisfaction. Envy indicates the presence of a strong need that cannot be realized in any way.
Suppose we are tired, exhausted by work, we want to go on vacation, but we cannot afford it. Therefore,
when a friend says that her husband bought her tickets at sea, there are many experiences inside. We feel the need to relax even more acutely, a feeling of injustice arises: it seems that everything gets easier.
It is difficult to find the opportunity to express feelings. Well, how to tell that we are angry with the one who did not harm us? We do not always have time to even realize how we feel. Therefore, the reaction is often hasty, unclear to ourselves.
And there are situations when we perfectly understand what caused irritation, but subordination prevents ourselves from defending. The opponent can be stronger, more confident or have power. For example, angry with the boss, few will decide on an open conflict. A much safer way is to “merge” overwhelming emotions in a conversation with colleagues or relatives, for example, Blind gossip about the leader.
Passive-aggressive remarks, although they sound calm and as innocent, mean that inside the person pronouncing them there is a lot of pain and depressed anger. Anger, irritation, indignation are normal human reactions, but expressing them is not always easy. Yes, and we were not taught this.
In working with clients, I encounter an internal ban on the manifestation of negative emotions. Many are scared by their own strong feelings, and they try to avoid them. But being in contact with his anger does not mean becoming a monster, which only does, which causes harm to others. Irritation often signals that it is difficult for us now, and in the end helps a person take care of himself. But the anger without expression accumulates and leads to sudden conflicts, dissatisfaction with life, as well as to problems with physical health.