Loss of work, lack of money, diseases of children and loved ones invariably cause us the most powerful fears. Behind these obvious anxieties are those that could well become a reason for going to a psychotherapist. Cognitive psychologist Jacob Kochetkov describes the fears that are most often found in his work.

1. Fear of death

Situation. Andrei, 32 years old, a very stressful period at work. After an unpleasant conversation with the leader, he went out into the corridor and felt a strong heartbeat. Andrei suddenly remembered that his grandfather died of heart attack, and was very afraid that he would die now. Such attacks of rapid heartbeat and panic fear began to be repeated daily. Examination of doctors showed that he is completely healthy.

Expert commentary: This is a basic fear, closely associated with many others – the fear of war, illness, helplessness … But the reasons that exacerbate it can be different. In the situation with Andrei, the fear of death launched the accumulated stress. Fatigue and overstrain often cause strong experiences that a person can consider a sign of a dangerous disease.

The experience of tragic events or a strong reaction of someone close to death also cause this fear. Most often this happens to people with whom in childhood and youth did not talk about diseases and dying. The child has a need to explain to him what death is and the fact that this will inevitably have to accept. Without such experience, it will be difficult for a person to develop a concept in adulthood himself, which will help to come to terms with this.

In our lives there are very few mechanisms that save from the fear of death, one of them is religion. Therefore, today, when people are not inherent in truly deep faith, this fear intensifies.

The psychotherapist’s task: Help the client accept reality and adequately perceive possible risks. That is, to distinguish the situations deadly and those that are not so terrible. For example, to someone who is afraid to break on an airplane, it is important to show how small the probability of such a death.

2. Fear of failure

Situation. Olga, 43 years old, is laid out in full at work, and then he is doing household chores until late and helps children with lessons. She seeks to be the best mother, a beautiful wife and a responsible employee. And she is very afraid that she will not succeed and she will make a mistake somewhere. She fears that she will make a mistake and she will be fired for it. Sometimes she thinks that due to the fact that she is a “bad” mother (although in fact she pays a lot of attention to her children), her children will grow up with psychological problems and will be unsuccessful in life.

Expert commentary: Perfectionism is usually behind this fear. Such a person has already been oriented to parents to achieve high results since childhood. But some in adolescence themselves come to this thought: “If I am successful, I will achieve a lot in life, I will feel good and I will need other people”.

Often such a person wants to be the best in everything at once, which means that his anxiety cannot be able to do something repeatedly. Unfortunately, perfectionism has great sociocultural support. Fear of failure is one of the consequences of a competitive culture, the problem of big cities where the strongest survives.

The psychotherapist’s task: Reduce the level of perfectionism from the client, help him notice and appreciate his intermediate achievements. The extreme perfectionist usually thinks in the categories of “everything” – “nothing”, “winner” – “loser”, so it is important for him to learn how to set realistic goals and realize that one project can be successful and the other is not.

3. Fear of loneliness

Situation. Nadezhda, 30 years old, there is a young man. She doesn’t like him too much, but she is very afraid that she will not marry, will not give birth to children and will

be left alone. Therefore, she clings to this relationship with all her might, ready to put up with the fact that she does not suit her. When a partner shouts at her and raises his hand, she forgives him. Upon learning of his betrayal, she thought that the problem was in her and she should show more care and attention so that the partner would not abandon her.

Expert commentary:A huge role here is played by the pressure of family and society: what, you have not yet given birth, you are another? But there is another root-broken attachment in an early relationship with the mother, the fear of being abandoned, because of which a person gets involved in a relationship that does not suit him. He does not believe that he can find something better and that he is able to keep other people next to him.

The psychotherapist’s task:Strengthening self -esteem. A person who accepts himself and is confident in his abilities is more calm about the pressure of public opinion, he can abandon relationships in which he feels bad, and wait for another meeting.

4. Fear of uncertainty

Situation.Elena, 49 years old, fears that the economic situation will worsen even more, and she will not be able to give children a good education, and she is also afraid that something will happen to children, constantly calls them and sends a message.

She also worries about health problems, the reasons for which she does not understand. She constantly thinks that something will happen to her apartment, and returns home if it seems to her that she forgot to turn off the gas. Thoughts in which she sees the catastrophic outcome of any situation constantly spin in her head.

Expert commentary:Anxiety before the future is familiar to everyone, especially it is strong in our country. But some of us are ready to recognize it as an inevitable part of life, and for others the state of uncertainty is unbearable. Everything that such a person is dealing with is becoming a reason for new fears.

Tolerance to uncertainty (not) is produced in childhood. A calm adult will say: “Well, nothing, as it will be, will be so”. Alarming parents, on the contrary, tend to panic and plan everything hard. When any of their plans break down, the course of life collapses. Usually the child learns the reaction of parents to something unforeseen.

The psychotherapist’s task:Help the client accept uncertainty in general. Such people are very restless, they endlessly consider all possible solutions to the problem, which only worsens their condition. The psychologist teaches them to think rationally: “Can I change the situation? Then I change her. I can’t – then I try not to think about it “. In working with this fear, the methods of awareness (type of meditation) that allow you to stay in “here and now” are also useful and not look into the future.

5. Fear of loss of control

Situation.Mikhail, 35 years old, during the working dispute, the feeling arose that he would now jump up and hit a colleague. After that, he began to fear all his negative emotions. As soon as anger rises in it, a picture appears in the mind that he will not be able to restrain himself and hit the interlocutor. This thought becomes so obsessive that it more and more prevents him from communicating with others.

Expert commentary: Such a person does not see the difference between emotions and behavior. Most likely, parents in childhood strictly forbade him to show negative emotions, and the child did not learn how to capture the gradation of feelings and actions. He does not understand that he can be angry, but this will not lead to loss of control over himself.

Faced with strong emotions in adulthood, he experiences a strong fear and tries to stop any negative impulses and thoughts. A person may feel that he wants to rush under the train – and stops going to the subway in fear that he will do it. But in reality, such impulses almost never lead to loss of control. A person who is actually inclined to lose control does not worry about this at all.

The psychotherapist’s task: Change behavior, not thinking. The psychologist conducts experiments that show the client: no matter how he was afraid to lose control, no matter what terrible thoughts occurred to him, he could not specifically lose him. Gradually, a person learns to distinguish these things.

6. Fear of fear

Situation.Vasily, 41 years old, suffered from a panic disorder and was afraid to die from a heart attack. Now, after examinations and detailed explanations of doctors, he understands that he will not die. But at the same time, all the symptoms of panic are preserved – the heart is pounding, the head is dizzy, the palms are sweaty. As a result, Vasily began to be afraid of the manifestations of anxiety themselves. He does not even have a clear picture of what will happen, but this condition is simply unbearable.

Expert commentary:Each has their own sensitivity to anxiety. Some tolerate it relatively easily, in others, physical manifestations of anxiety can quickly cause panic attacks. It is very important for such a person to listen to himself and, if signs of fear of “first level” appear, try to deal with him as soon as possible in order to prevent the escalation of the problem.

The psychotherapist’s task:Experimentally show the client that he can endure his fear. There is, for example, a special exercise “Hyperventilation” – a very quick and deep breath that causes symptoms of physically extremely unpleasant, similar to very strong fear – heartbeat, dizziness, sweating.

Artificially causing a state of fear in the client, the psychologist asks not to do anything. They observe together as the reaction calms down and nothing terrible happens. After regular training, a person gradually gets used to a feeling of fear.